When should we seek couples counseling?
The short answer is as soon as it is first considered. It is well-known that couples generally put off coming in to see someone when they begin feeling distressed. We tend to hope that tomorrow will be better than today so it is on average 6+ years before most couples seek help. By then more hurt feelings and misunderstandings have occurred and interactive patterns set. The sooner the couple comes in, the better. This is an investment in the health of your relationship, yourselves and your children.
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How many sessions does it usually take?
It varies from couple to couple. Some may benefit with a few sessions. These are usually the people who have a healthy foundation in their relationship and know they are committed to each other for life. Others take longer because the disconnection between them is more pronounced. Healing these relationships does take time and conscientiousness on the part of each partner for the most growth to occur. It has usually taken years to get to this point, so the healing may also take time.
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How often are the sessions?
Initially weekly sessions between 1 to 1 ½ hours make the most sense to get momentum going and also some skills to practice at home. Most of the work occurs outside the sessions at home between the couple, so the more practice, the less often sessions are required. Sessions are meant to teach new skills, to create a safe climate where each person’s story can be revealed to increase understanding of the partner and self, and to experience connection.
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What if I don’t know if I want to stay in my marriage?
Many people come to the first session and state they are not sure about the future but are certain that they cannot continue with the communication patterns they have in place now. Often these same people will be able to recommit when they are able to experience a different, safe, and compassionate interaction pattern with their partner. Tragically, sometimes that is not possible so the sessions provide a place to examine this and to gain more insight to make decisions that are not reactive and pre-mature.
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What if my spouse does not want this relationship?
The real truth is that it takes two people committed to the relationship to make it work. One person cannot do the work of two. Both people need to be committed to the process of improving the relationship for improvements to happen.
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How do we know who to go to? Are couples’ counselors all the same?
It is recommended to ‘interview’ the therapists by phone to find out if they have specific training in doing couples’ work and, if so, what that is; approximately how many couples has the therapist seen over how many years; what is their approach and structure of the session; and what they expect from the couple in the sessions and outside the session. Also any specific questions you may have, please feel free to ask. This is an important decision.
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Does insurance cover it?
I have been informed by a major insurance company that the general answer is ‘no’. They do not view marriage/couples counseling as ‘medically necessary’ which is what the insurance companies are there for. At times, one or both of the couple may have a pre-existing diagnosis (major depression, addictions, bi-polar, ADD, etc.) that has had an impact on the relationship. Insurance companies most often will reimburse these sessions due to medical necessity, if the treatment plans developed to address the pre-existing diagnosis supports conjoint couples sessions as part of
the treatment.
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What if we can’t afford it?
The therapist may have a payment plan or have times when they will lower their standard fee due to financial hardship. Check with your therapist about these possibilities. But do not let this keep you from getting at least some sessions to gain working knowledge and skills to begin to grow your relationship.
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We are locked in patterns of yelling and name-calling. Can couples’ counseling help us with that?
Yes, if both people are motivated and committed to making a different relational pattern. It takes a willingness to look at self and accept what contributions to the disconnect each is making. That does not reflect intention. If a person’s intention is to connect and grow the relationship, we need to make sure our actions/behaviors follow our intentions. Often our reactivity is based in defensiveness that may have the unintended consequence of wounding our partner and causing misunderstanding.
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Who benefits from the Couples' Workshops?
The unique design of these workshops can be transformative for those couples wishing to invest
in their present and future relationship, whether just
beginning, becoming routine, or struggling."
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What will we do in the workshop?
There is a mix of activities during the weekend all building on one another. We will have short lectures, film clips, time for reflection and personal writing exercises in your manual, group discussions of important points, high activity fun, and private time to practice new skills with your partner.
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What if I don’t want to talk in a group?
That is fine. No one is required to share in the group discussions, and those who do are not expected to share personal information of any kind. The discussions often are cited as being one of the more helpful aspects of the weekend. Participants say they learn a lot when other participants share, but each person can participate in them as much or as little as they desire.
We consciously try to create a climate of safety for participants and we trust that each person knows how to get what is most relevant for themselves over the course of the weekend. Privacy is very much respected.
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Is it like group therapy?
The short answer is 'no'. The workshops are considered educational with the goal that participants will leave knowing more about themselves, the relationship journey and their partners than at the beginning of the weekend. Our hope is that participants also will take away useful skills and tools to continue deepening their relationship with their partners. As such they do not
qualify for insurance.
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What are some of the areas covered in the weekend?
We look at the normal stages of relationship development, what we bring to the relationship, our reactivity styles that can impede successful communication, how to nourish the relationship, how to ask for what we need, and how to resolve frustrations. We create a relationship vision to take away from the workshop, and we also pay attention to those areas we appreciate in our partners. We spend a lot of time on new proven and effective communication techniques which will be practiced during the course of the weekend.
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How does the Pre-Marital Seminar, Start Right, Stay Connected, differ from the weekend, Getting the Love You Want, workshops?
The Pre-Marital seminar is only one day so it takes an abbreviated look at the information contained in the weekend workshop and pays particular attention to strengthening the foundation of the relationship. We cover areas such as the important role of appreciations, dialogue skills to use for difficult discussions (including wedding planning), how relationships develop over time, and co-creating a relationship vision that will serve as a map for your future together.
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What if I have something else to do that weekend, do we need to be there the whole time?
Yes, it is important for the couples to be there the complete time. The workshop structure builds on information and exercises, so if any is missed, the couple will not get the full benefit of the weekend. To receive the full benefit, participants should be there from the very beginning until closing. By doing so, a commitment is made to the health and growth of your relationship.
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What is covered in the price?
For the one-day Pre-Mariatal Seminar, Start Right, Stay Connected, the cost covers, two manuals, coffee, tea, snacks, and lunches. For the two day Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop, the cost includes two manuals, coffee, tea, and snacks. Usually lunch is on your own unless the workshop takes place at an inn that provides lunches. The cost of the lunches for that venue is reflected in the workshop fee. All accomodations are extra and couples should make their own arrangements. Often there may be a discounted rate at the venue where the workshop takes place.
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